hi guys,
im not really sure who to talk to about this as my mums answers are usually "give up then" and I've tried talking to h2b and he walks off!
Things are not so brilliant lately, we have just moved into our own cottage as we were living with my mil2b and i HATED it, my grandad always says "you can't put to women in a kitchen" and he couldn't of been more right, so i said to him "thats it, its time we found our own place to live" we had this huge discussion about how he isn't ready to leave his mum so i sat down and thought, if he isn't ready to leave his mum (he's 23) he isn't ready to start a life or get married, i told him this and he said he was an agreed we would move out, we have moved 2 doors down from his mother, he goes to his mums before work, after work and every other opportunity he gets, If I'm not at work or out doing something i am always sat in "our" new home by myself because he wants to be at his mums, so here i am sat here by myself thinking "this just isn't going to work" his whole attitude has changed, i love him, i just don't think those apron strings are going to get cut, right now I'm thinking of cancelling the whole wedding and just leaving, i feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a wall, whenever i talk about the wedding all i get is "mum wants us to this, mum wants us to do that" i feel like it might as well be him and his mum cause I'm expected to sit there and not talk and not have an opinion, but as i said, he refuses to talk to me about anything and he just walks off or plays his xbox... I'm 20 and have recently been diagnosed with a thyroid disfunction and a vitamin deficiency so I'm not very well and could really do without the stress, i thought moving out would give me a break and intact it seems to of just made things worse.

sorry about the rant, but I really needed a vent.x

I have thought about doing that, I don't think I have any other options that will help, the only other option isn't something I actually want to do , I hope everything works out because it's making us being around each other awkward ): xx

Urghh he needs to grow a pair!!!! His mum had obviously been at his every need for far too long n now he can't leave
I think I'd kill my OH if he was like that but he couldn't wait to move out and get away from his mum
I think you need space to clear your head and you need to tell him straight that obviously his mums his mum and that will never change but he needs to stop seeing her so often otherwise it won't last and I also think you need to move further away xx

I agree you should have moved further away making it harder for him as he may have actually lost a few strings them, maybe as someone else said just pack a bag and go to your parents for a few days x

Oh I fully agree, he has so much growing up to do, I didn't want to live this close to his mother as I live an hour away from my parents which I bearly get to see because if work, we were meant to find a house in the town we both know (where we met) which is exactly between both his mum and my parents and where one of my
Jobs are, he won't go away with me incase his mum wants him for something he also is going away with her to Wiltshire without even telling me or even mentioning it, she came over last night and said to him "did you get that time
Off work" I asked what for and they said they were going away to see one of his brothers ... Planned over a week ago apparently, I really don't think there's anything else I can try to make him just detach himself a little, I've tried moving out, compromising to stay closer to his mum, it's all getting too much now that I can't even look at my wedding planner, I've actually
Put it away because I can't see this wedding happening ): xx

Wow he's going away with his mum and hasn't invited you! That would of done it for me you need to give him a ultimatum xx

Is it maybe worth trying to talk to his mum about it? If talking to him is not getting you anywhere, maybe his mum needs to tell him "listen, I love you, but you need to start your own life outside of my home". Or is she as attached to him as he is to her?

hmmm he really really REALLY needs to cut the apron strings and grow a pair... if i can be honest? i dont think it is a good idea to get married whilst hes being like this. He clearly isnt ready, i think your ages are quite young too, not saying it cant work with two people who are 20 and 23 but in this instance it could well be. id say enjoy being engaged and dont set any dates etc and see how u go. you need to talk to him properly and make him listen to you or even talk to his mum??? if hes going away with her without even telling you it sounds like he doesnt even want to get married :( so so sorry hun xxx

If my h2b was like that I wouldn't marry him. I don't mean to be brutal but someone that immature isn't ready to be married. It sounds like you wouldn't be as important as his mummy, he isn't ready for the responsibility - he seriously needs to grow up. Do you really want to marry someone who is still so immature? What would happen when If you had children? Or illness? Financial problems? Serious life decisions? Would he be your rock or run back home?

I would suggest you move away or give him an ultimatum.

Had this with an ex, I could not see him ever moving out his dads, who did everything for him, bought him a brandnee £17000 car for his 17th bday! Let him buy whatever he wanted. Yes he was happy to go on holiday with me but then it was like i was the mum an he was my kid, I had to look after all the travel stuff and look after him, and deal with his tamtrums! You need to lay it down for him. I mean he says he can't go away without his mum incase she needs him, but he can go without you , what if you need him. It sounds like its him and his mum planning to get married!

Lay it down and say somethings got to give and if he does not cut some strings you will be gone

Unless there is a serious issue like his mum being ill frail etc where she needs physical carer support where I could understand his need to go back to his mum that much then I'd say it's him who needs to decide what he wants and if he's really ready to cut the umbilical cord.

Some guys mature later than others.

If you moved out for a month maybe that'll force him to decide and think carefully about his future, short and long term x

Maybe when he goes away that's an ideal time for you to think hard about how you really feel about him. You are both very young still, and while you're not necessarily too young to get married, you do have plenty of time. You could postpone and decide to set a date later, once you've worked through things. Does his mum live alone, or is his father there. Has she mean a single mum for a long time? That could make him more protective. Maybe you could approach the subject via his siblings, and say that they need to rake a share of any caring. You could also put your foot down and say that if he won't take time off from his mum that's it. Maybe you could put something in place for people to look after his mother for a week, to try to persuade him to have time with you. He needs to learn to live his own life.

I was in a very similar situation to you last year, Becca. Same ages too, I'm 20 a h2b is 24. Last year, he was still living with his parents and I couldn't deal with being there all the time with his Mum. I mean, we get on, but as you said, it just doesn't work. I talked to him about moving away and he started looking up houses within 5 mins of his parents' house. I was having a really bad day at this point and turned round and said to him no, I was thinking more like starting a whole new life abroad... A couple days later I told him I had booked myself on to a course in Spain and I was going in September. I said I would go with or without him but I'd rather he came with. It really gave him the kick up the bum he needed and here we are, we've been living in Barcelona since September and he's very happy here and so glad we moved :) I know it's cruel, and it doesn't work for everybody, but maybe your fiance just needs a little kick? Just to realise that there is a possibility of him losing you? Good luck anyway :) x

hunni i think you know the answer to your own question ... this summed it up for me ..

".....he won't go away with me incase his mum wants him for something he also is going away with her to Wiltshire without even telling me ....."

he isn't going to change anytime soon

you need to be honest and tell him how you feel ... sometimes writing it down can be an easier way of doing this