Bear with me, it takes some explaining. But I'm hoping someone here will get it, as people around me aren't!

Yesterday was my birthday and the day was lovely went shopping and to the cinema and for some food, a nice low key day. My OH had put a football bet on and at the end of the Chelsea match was convinced we had win £56075.94!! Obviously I was over the moon, best birthday ever, just in shock.
We got home from the cinema, rang our best friends in joy and sat and wrote a list of our debts and how much we needed for the wedding, a honeymoon etc and got excited,
We could give my dad back a large sum if money we owe him for helping us with buying our home, pay off every debt, pay the wedding(and upgrade to the room we had wanted but couldn't afford!) pay for the honeymoon of our dreams and still have £10k to play with and be daft with. I was so happy!!!

Then disaster struck and OH announced he had read the ticket wrong, we hadn't won a penny. Heart broken.

Now, I am not upset at not winning, end of the day I've lost nothing and am no worse off that I was 24 hrs ago.

What I am upset about is how it's thrown into sharp realisation that we cannot afford the wedding, cannot afford a honeymoon and somehow are in £10k of debt. I knew we would struggle but now it's all written down it feels real, feels massive and I feel like my dream wedding is ruined, working out money there is no chance of a honeymoon. Our honeymoon would have been the first holiday abroad for us, that's gone out of the window,

I am not angry at OH for making a mistake, he didn't purposely do it. But he is treating me like an idiot. I have literally lain in bed and cried since 9am this morning. I just can't cope anymore. And he is having a go at me, telling me not to be stupid, saying he has no idea how I am upset about money we never had.
I.m not upset and the money!! I'm upset about the situation I have just realised we are in!!

If we postpone or call off the wedding we lose the £4k we have already spent and it will kill me and my family. if we keep it on for August next year we will not be able to afford it without taking out more debt (which I don't think our credit will even allow!)

I feel split in half, I feel like my heart has been ripped out. Pathetically, I feel like my birthday has been ruined.

Xxx

I think it was definitely the wake up call I needed, doesn't make it hurt less tho.
Sometimes it is easier to just pretend your debt isn't as high as you thought it was. When you take a step back and work it out it can be literally heart breaking, knowing they were there before doesn't make it easier!!

We did set a budget and gave ourselves 2 years to save what we needed but life has got in the way and every month there is something needed that means we can't save. Every month we stupidly said "we'll put more away next month!' And we just ostrich-style buried our heads.
Yesterday we realised we have 7 months until final balances are to be paid and that means £650 saved a month which we can't do.

Don't worry about being harsh, I need to stop writhing in self pity.

I suppose Oh and I and our families need a frank discussion about how to go forward with it.

Will go through my wedding book and see!

Oh hun, being in debt is horrible, especially that first realisation of quite how much there is.

Hopefully you can work out a way to cut back on the wedding costs a bit. And maybe take the honeymoon the year after the wedding as a kind of anniversary trip/honeymoon.

Getting the debt down will be hard work, but there are government companies to help and like lala said switching credit cards is a good idea. When I first cut my credit card I felt sick and didn't know how I would cope without it but we just did. And the day I made my last payment felt amazing!!

Keep your chin up x

Crawf, sent a friend request. Message me and i will see if i can help with the wedding costs and see where you can reduce. and where you can save in future for the wedding plans xx

This is the exact reason we have set a date, but not a year..... we too are in debt, every month when we can afford to, i pay for something that is for the wedding, so i have bought the little things, my dress, the rings, BM's dresses (£5.49 each from the bay for maxi dresses plus a quid or 2 on ribbon to break the colour up a bit), guest books, pen, veil, alice bands, shoes (£5 site), fake flowers, centre peices, favours, invite materials, oos materials, tissue pouch materials, i have pretty much got most of the things that can be bought prior to the event now except suits (my 3yr old is in 5-6 & 6-7 clothes due to a growth spurt so cant risk buying his suit jacket yet). Then still without setting a year i will be saving the money for all the bigger things like venue, legal fees, catering, i will make the cake myself to keep costs down, photographer from local college etc, once i have all the money needed saved, i will then go & set a year & pay for it all in one go.... this will then mean that i dont need to worry about whether we can afford to get married or not because i will either have everything or will have saved all the money down to the penny thats needed before settling on a date. there will always be things that are needed that will mean we will have to postpone otherwise, like my 3yr olds growth spurt meaning he needs a new wardrobe, my 5yr olds school shoes... he didnt tell us his feet hurt & i checked his school shoes last week & they have holes where his toes have been pushing through! Our dog has his boosters at the end of this month, its all things that will keep coming & rather than be heart broken by having to postpone i would rather just not have a set year.

At the end of the day... your h2b loves you, you love him, you will get married at some point, but there is no point in stressing about money, a wedding is not good enough reason to get into more debt, its just one day! It will happen at some point but wouldnt it be better if you werent worried about money by the time it does happen?

My advice would be to postpone, you have already paid deposits, so you cant just neglect a year all together, however, if you postpone for a year or two then realise its still not viable, postpone again, in this time buy all the little things that can be bought, then save the money for the bigger things, dont pay for any of the bigger things until you have the money for all of it, then pay it in a lump sum once all the money is there.

Check out Martin the money guy. He's got some sound advice. I've not had any debt for a long time now, but I still remember how sickening it makes you feel -hug- Even without added debt the cost of our wedding is making me have occasional panic attacks!

You need to have a look at your general day to day spending. If you don't already, SHOP AT ALDI! We saved a fortune shopping there instead of t3sco. There's lots of little things you can do to save money that really add up. And definitely try as suggested above with 0% balance transfers and cutting up ALL cards

We're having our honeymoon for our anniversary, we're just gunna do summat cheap and cheerful after the wedding. I wouldn't get down about that as it's just something else to look forward to after the wedding is all over and done :)

I know I was maybe a little harsh and I hope I didn't offend .....this comes from once being in a position whee the bank were threatening to not pay the mortgage ( ex hubby was rubbish with money) this has now made me a paranoid about not getting into debt... Am know fortunate to have never been overdrawn etc for over 20 years .( yes I am that old)

H2B and i are altho not in debt are on a strict budget, we have decided to take the honeymoon a year later and little things we can do thru the year will save us money. ive sent you a friend request hope you dont mind. xx

UPDATE FROM CRAWF

Hi ladies,
Further to a post I had up before, I have made a heart-wrenching but unbelievably empowering and weight lifting decision.
I am going to ask OH tonight if we can either:
1) Postpone the wedding for at least 12 months, and keep the day we have planned
2) cancel the wedding, count our loses and put it down to experience, and plan a new, low key day that we want.

There are 2 main reasons for this.. and I am sorry to bore you all but writing it down here is helping me realise this is what I have wanted for a long time but was too scared to admit it.
1. We are drowning in debt, I refuse to start married life in debt and how much of a hypocrite am I to take money from my parents to help pay for the day when we cant put any away ourselves, and how dare we take gifts and money offerings from friends and family for the same reason. So, we need to stop. take a deep breath. cancel the day we have planned (either just postpone for a year or cancel completely) and start again

2. the day is not ours anyway, we have had to sacrifice too much and make it about other people too much. it is OUR day, we have already had to move it 250 miles from where we want it and from where we live, chose a church we dont want or like to please people.. even my shoe choice is being controlled by my mother. along with other things!!!
All I want it to marry him, to call him my husband and tell everyone that we will be together forever.. everything else is tearing us apart.
I am so worried I will wake up on the day and doubt it all and not feel I want to marry him, but not for him.. not cus of him at all.. because of the circus the day has become and how it isn't for us, we aren't excited anymore, we are filled with dread.

I have spent the last few months in fear of the day and too scared to say anything out loud. I have been trying to find an escape route and trying to find holes in our relationship, but he is perfect and kind and generous and everything I want.
I finally took my head out of the sand about our debts but wouldnt even consider the option of postponing or cancelling - but now I know it is what I want, what I need to remember why I love my H2B, why I said yes to marry him and what the day is MEANT to be about.
I am already feeling more confident about being able to take control of our finances, happier without dreading the day in 9 months time... like it is OUR day again, no one elses.

Invites haven't gone out yet and I think only 2 people have booked flights and their hotel isn't paid until the day so no loses there.

I really hope he understands and knows it is not him, and it is not that I dont love him... it is because of how much I love him that I want to do this.

I hope you all understand too?
Am I doing the right thing?

xxx

Thanks for transferring it lala, sorry!!

I like the idea of just booking somewhere small to become husband and wife on OUR terms, and on our own day.

What I want to do is:
Cancel our current wedding, we will lose the money we have spent so far but Id rather do that than marry him then for the wrong reasons.
I want the marriage not the wedding, its about the next 50 years together, not one day that neither of us care about.

book a small, low key event where we want it, and when we decide we want it. whether that is waiting a year to get back into control or in a few months as a very very cheap affair just to formalise what we want.

I really hope he wants the same as me.. i dont want to pressurise him into something he doesnt want to do.

Did you see my post on your other thread about this? xx

So sorry to read this hun, maybe its for the best if you feel as if the day is not yours and h2b this way you get to start a fresh and plan it to what suits you both and not what suits others xx

Ask him how much he loves you. Tell him the stress is making you ill and if he truly loves you then postponing would not be an issue. He can still have the wedding you have discussed but a year later when finances don't feel so tight. If he doesn't agree then I am sorry you may have to rethink your relationship. I am not saying that to be mean but if he is not prepared to compromise on how you start your married life what makes you think the next fifty years will be any different xx

Update.
He got in from work Saturday morning and I told him with the way he'd been acting I didn't know if I wanted the wedding full stop. That I refused to marry into a spiral of debt.
My ultimatum worked and he panicked and we got dressed and went to see a money advisor at the bank. We've been 'approved in principle' for a refinance loan (god knows how!) which will completely take control of our finances and reduce our outgoings by a massive £500 a month!! We currently pay out £750 a month in debts alone but this loan is £250 a month and everything is paid off. I know it's only in principle and it's not a definite yet so not getting excited but I just want it to be the start of good things.
I know it's not clearing our debt but it is controlling it and is one payment on a low rate instead of credit cards and store cards and stupid plastic goblins!!!!

Spoke to my lovely mum and she was so kind and honest and told me of her and dad's troubles when they started off and I felt less of a f*** up and more human.
We are going to do everything we can together to make the wedding cheaper, she's found lush shoes in a charity shop, is scouring everywhere for a frame for the table plan, I have been hunting through g0mtr33 for Coventry, Newcastle and Aberdeen, just incase!!

I want to marry my OH so much and if we can change the bits we weren't comfortable with and keep everything we love the. Well both be happy and can keep the date.
OH and I have written a list if ur must haves, what we are going to ditch, and a wish list to look at after June when the final bills to everything else is paid and we know what we have left.

Thanks every single one of your for your advice and support... We might get there yet!!!!

Thanks Ana!
It was the scariest and honestly mortifying experience to have to admit it to everyone, but I have done it and feel stronger for it :)
Fingers crossed that in principle turns into accepted !!!

I will keep my fingers crossed for your loan approval x

Very glad your h2b agreed with you :)

Oh hun, that's so bad, esp after working out how much you could save if approved. Maybe a massive long shot but could either parent guarantor your loan? Or get it on your behalf? That way you could keep the lower once a month payment, and continue to pay it off x

God that's a massive apr no-one should pay that!!
I don't even know what else to suggest. I ended up with 2 CCJ's with mine - which although I hated at the time and shot my credit - did freeze the interest so I paid everything back quicker. It may just be a case of slow and steady. It will go eventually, its just rubbish til its gone esp when you are working so hard and its all gone on paying back debt.

Have you managed to work out a way that you can still afford the wedding by making cutbacks?

Please go and see a debt advisor at citizens advice( hope it's ok to put that)

5 years ago I realised my debts were out of controle, they worked out how much I could realistically afford to pay each month and then depending on the amount of each debt they worked that in to a percentage so it was fair.

By doing this they contact the companies for you and all interest is frozen. This service is totally free. You will still have the same amount of debt And it may take a few extra years to pay things off but if will also give you done free money to do stuff with each month as the CAB allow you money for days out and treats. They say by doing this you are less likely to break new agreements.

Xx

Thanks everyone!
Going to citizens advice on Friday as I have a day off work. Your advice really helps

Thanks xxxx

Can I tell you something ..... I am actually really proud of you , you have faced up to your debts and are tackling it all head on...alot of people will burying their heads in the sand and pretend that debts aren't there .

Keep going Hun

Oh lala, thank you :)
That makes me feel a bit better xx

Hi all, wanted to let you know what has happened.
I went to my bank again and to citizens advice for help. Took all my paperwork along and they talked through different options I could take.
I didn't do anything, just went away to think as it was a big decision to make.

But, we've gone another route, my lovely father has very kindly offered to take out a loan for me. In his name BUT I pay all of the payments for him. So it allows me to consolidate my debts and isn't me being 'bailed out' as I am paying every penny of it myself and not being handed money but obviously couldn't have happened this easily and will as low payments without my dads help,

I hope it doesn't look like a cop out, I tried every other option and am so grateful and lucky to have him help me in such a big way.

I also got a lovely promotion and pay rise at work which comes in in January, should be an extra £200 a month which will cover most of the loan payment and in 30 months we'll be debt free!!

Life looks like it might be on the up.... Finally.

Xxx

It's not a cop out as far as I'm concerned. You would have got the loan for yourself if the bank had allowed it (and this way they don't get so much in interest from the loan so win-win)

What a lovely dad to be helping you out x