Okay so this will probably be along one...

I lost contact with my dad 4 years ago. I love my dad, but being in contact was too painful, it was a reminder of the person and the dad he used to be, and the person he became was someone I didn't recognise. Which was difficult because we were really close, but the person he became put his own children last, his girlfriend first and even her kids before everything else. And after a huge row, we stopped talking. I started planning my wedding last year, and thinking about all the things that I had to look forward to over the nest few years. The wedding, and hopefully qualifying in my job and starting my career in earnest, and hopefully starting a family, and it made me think that this wedding really was the start of a whole new chapter in my life. So I decided (with a helpful nudge from my granddad) that, especially if we were going to think about kids after the wedding (maybe or year or so after), that I needed to close the book on the things I don't to bring forward into the new chapter. So I got back in contact with my dad. I needed to know before I closed the book on having a relationship with him that I would be able to look myself in the mirror and now I tried my best, because for 18 years he was a really good dad, and he helped to make me the person I am today, and I owed him that. But since I got back in contact, he texts maybe once a month just a how was your month. He never wants to continue the conversation when I try to ask questions, and I am loathe to be the one making all the effort and running after him, because I did that all before we lost contact, and it made me miserable and just reminded me of how much he'd changed, and if we are going to have a proper relationship he should at least make some effort. I don't need to be the most important person by any stretch of he imagination, I just need to know that in an emergency I could rely on him, and that he actually wants to have contact with me, and I don't have that.

Knowing all this I should probably just cut my losses now right?? But its just soo hard. I'm still in contact with my grandparents, which is difficult because my grandmother all but cut me off when she found out about the row, and it took a lot of effort on my part to make sure that we remained in touch. My granddad was a large motivator for that effort, and he's worth every bit of effort. But they feel the hurt from the cut, and my granddad almost died last year, and he asked that I made the effort with my dad. So I feel bad that I'm considering just giving up. Plus I can't get image out of my head of my dad walking me down the aisle. I know it isn't going to happen, but the idea of him not being there at all just makes me feel awful. He was such a big part of making me the person I am today, and I would love for him to see me walk down the aisle. Though I'm not at all sure how I would cope if I saw him as I walked down the aisle for the first time in 5 years (by that time). And to top it off my mother is completely against the idea (she's not angry over the affair etc any more, she's just angry at everything he's done to me and my sis since), and my sister even more so. And I really don't want to upset them. I just feel so sad at the idea of him not being there.

We did compromise over the situation and agree to have him at the evening at one point. But I just really don't like the idea of him missing the ceremony. My fiancé says I need to make the decision when I'm being impartial and not emotional, which is easier said than done. He's trying to be impartial and stay out of any decision about it, as my dad basically hates him and blames him for the loss of contact (my fiancé stood up for me when my dad blaming me for everything and making me feel awful, and I was basically too upset to even talk, and he couldn't stand by and let me be stomped on), and my fiancé for obvious reasons is not my dad's biggest fan, but he understands how I feel.

I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to make a decision that I can stick to. I just can't seem to think it all through properly, it just comes back to the same continuous arguments. :(

I was in a very similar position, didn't speak to my dad for four years after being very close for the first sixteen years of my life.

Whilst we are now back in contact, and I see him maybe once or twice a year as he lives the other side of the country, I do sometimes feel like I make more of an effort and wonder if I didn't do it, would he make the same effort?

Personally, (and this is just my opinion) I think it is impossible to cut your losses and walk away when ou have once shared that closeness with someone - to me, the fact that you are having these doubts indicate that in your heart of hearts, you really miss your dad.

Could you arrange a meet up before the wedding, and take it from there?

Again, just my opinion but I think you are more likely to regret not inviting him then you are inviting him, but of course I don't know your situation, that's just how I've read it.

I'm sorry to hear youre having these problems and hope that whatever you decide, it works out for you xx

That's what I'm afraid of, regretting it. I want to ask my granddad to give me away, I'm hoping he will agree to do it, but I know it will put him in an awkward situation with my dad, but I can't think of anyone better than my granddad. I think I know what I want, I'm just afraid of it ending up in a scene, and plus its going to put a huge strain on my sister. My mum would deal with it, she wouldn't let it phase her at all, but I'm not sure how my sister would deal with it. She's hardly a baby any more, but she's my little sister and I was always the one to protect her from all the drama, I don't want to be the one to now cause it for her.

i think maybe i need to sit down and talk to her about it, maybe if I could put something in place to make her feel better, show her that he would sit really far away, and that I would make it clear to him that he wasn't to talk to her if she didn't want to? If I get her on board that would be a huge load of my mind, and then id be able to make the decision I want instead of being torn by everyone else's feelings. I do miss my dad, but I don't know if I just need to accept that its lost, neither of us are the same people. I think that's also the problem, my fiancé has made me feel some self worth, which I never had growing up, so maybe my dad is having the same problem relating to me as I am to him.

Just getting it out is helping me think a little better, definitely making me feel a little better. Thanks :)

I'm also in a similar position. I don't see my dad anymore. There was no big arguement, no tears or tantrums, he just started a new family at a time when I was off doing my own thing and we just stopped contact. I tried a couple of time to get in touch, but it never lasted long. He has a new family and a new life and I don't miss him.

However, he's still my dad and it hurts that he won't be giving me away, I have to remind myself that I've coped the last 12 years without him, so I can get through my wedding day too. I spoke to my mum and h2b about inviting him to the chapel so that he can see me get married, but then not having him at the rest of the day (my brothers and sisters won't speak to him, nor will the rest of my family so I wouldn't want him at the reception). However, why should I do him that honour, I won't see him again after the wedding. So, I'm going to hold my head high and waltz myself down that aisle!

Nobody can tell you what too do, if you want your father there then have him, but don't feel guilty if you put yourself first.

I think it's fine to ask your grandad to give you away, it sounds like you are very close to him.

Have you thought about writing a letter to your dad and telling him how you feel? You don't necessarily have to let him see it or send it to him, just write it out and bin it. It sometimes helps figure out your feelings when you're in a muddle.

Xx

i am sorry to hear your sad story, must be very hard on you

all i can say is if you feel in your heart you WANT him there (not that you ought to invite him but that you WANT to) then do, if not then dont

I totally get this!!

I am no longer in contact with my dad, being in contact with him always ended in tears (my tears) and eventually I just cut him out o my life as I couldn't stand feeling that way any longer. Weddings are hard when you have in the back of your mind that your dad should be walking you down the aisle, but in my eyes he doesn't deserve that right after the way he treated me so I'm having my uncle (my mums bro) give me away instead.

You need to think hard about exactly what you want, not anyone else but you. Don't do anything you might regret later on and if you need to talk I'm here xx

I know I'm coming to this late but it sounds like you'll really regret not inviting him. You risk being upset by his presence reminding you of the relationship you wish you had with him. But, I think that will be minimal to the regret you'll feel if you don't extend an invitation.