Hi all, I am just wondering if I can get your opinions please.
My fiancé and I have been engaged for nearly 18months now and are just starting to plan our wedding.
We went to his parents house for dinner the other week after visiting a wedding fair that day and were talking to them and his sister about what we had done that day etc.
Anyway, the next day MIL spoke to fiancé to say that she was upset that we had started planning our wedding without talking to her about it. In some ways I understood where she was coming from as we had also been to a fair the weekend before (our first one)and I assumed he had told her about that(apparently not!) but he calmed her down and said look, we have only just started and not made any decisions and of course she would be involved in the planning when we were ready to actually do stuff. She also asked about whether or not I would ask his sister to be a bridesmaid to which he of course answered that he didn't know and we hadn't talked about that yet or made any decisions.
A couple of days after that discussion, OH and I were in a room alone with MIL and she asked if she could ask me a question. She said that she hoped I didn't mind her asking but that she felt we were close enough that she could (immediate alarm bells) but was I going to ask OH sister to be a bridesmaid. I answered that we hadn't made any decisions yet but I didn't think so, to which she asked why not?. So I explained that I have my own sister that I want beside me and also maybe my best friend. So her reply was that she didn't know if it was different where I come from (I'm a kiwi) but over here it was the done thing to ask future SIL to be a bridesmaid and it was what she did and she thought I should too. She also said that SIL was upset that when we had been discussing the wedding fair that I hadn't mentioned her as a possible bridesmaid. She went on to say that it was OH day too and that if he wanted me to have SIL as a bridesmaid then I should ask her - not that she had asked OH what he wanted before bringing it up.
Later on, OH and I were discussing it, he asked if I was upset by what his mum had said, I said that I was and he said he was angry with her too. He also said he had thought it was tradition for the grooms sister to be a bridesmaid but as he also thought that as my dad had passed away, the next logical choice to walk me down the aisle would be his dad I don't really have much faith in his idea of tradition.
Admittedly I hadn't thought of having her as a bridesmaid and as we were only just starting we might have decided to ask her anyway, but now I feel like if I do ask her it will feel like I have been pressured into it and if I don't then I might have gone against some unwritten rule.
What are your thoughts? And sorry for the waffle
CommentAuthorNicky2988
edited
Wow, your MIL sounds overbearing!
There's no custom when it comes to who 'should' be bridesmaids, it's 2014 after all. You ask who you want. And don't let anyone pressure you. We''re not having a bridal party. My dad will walk me down the aisle to h2b and our 18 month old son. No bridesmaids. H2b's 2 sisters were annoyed but it just not what we want so we haven't budged! Do what YOU want. Xx
CommentAuthorTaidiN
edited
I never heard this tradition ever. If it is I'm breaking it as I don't want oh sister up there with me. She hates me even after all my efforts to be nice and strike up a friend ship. All 5 of my sister and my girls will be up there with me and my mum will be walking me down the aisle. As I don't have a dad.
At the end of the day its yours and oh's wedding so do it your way. Xxx
CommentAuthorLauraK7
edited
Oh my goodness my MIl hasn't tried to **** in at all and my mum has only so far pushed with the wedding dress shopping I have H2b's sister and niece, our daughter and then my best friend as maid of honour, my mum wanted my cousin too and said she would pay for her dress, shoes etc so I said ok as it didn't affect my budget
But don't let her push you into anything it's your and h2b's day
CommentAuthorFutureMrsSteven
On the big day it is people who mean a lot to you that should be by your side. Your MIL shouldnt try to pressure you, you should choose who you want. It is 2014 and although traditions are important, it is your desicion. How well do you and his sister get on? Xx
Wow, I would have been really annoyed and upset if I had been in your shoes. Asking my OH's sister to be a bridesmaid was never an option as she is nearly as old as my mum, however I was told from day one that her little girl would be one (I honestly didn't mind because I have never been asked to be a bridesmaid even though close family had got married when I was a little girl so I wanted her to have what I didn't)....
Why should your MIL be upset that you'd not consulted her before going to wedding fayres and thinking of ideas for YOUR big day? Is she paying for it?
If your OH would be upset that his sister wasn't a bridesmaid then I would seriously consider asking her, but if he is not bothered then why should you? You could ask her to do a reading at the ceremony to make her feel more involved (as I have) and of course she still gets to go on hen do and things like that!
Who did you think would walk you down the aisle? Do you have any brothers/uncles, would you consider your mum? His dad isnt necessarily the next logical choice.
Keep us updated! Xx
CommentAuthorKimberleyR78
Thanks everyone for your support. I get on fine with his sister, but it's not like we are best buds and hang out all the time or anything like that. I get on fine with his mum too normally. But like him and his whole family she is stubborn and likes to be involved in everything. I have asked her to go wedding dress shopping with me as my mum is in New Zealand so can't come with me.
She just upset me I guess, not by what she said so much as they way it was said.
CommentAuthorKimberleyR78
Hi Nicola, your thinking is similar to mine in that maybe she could do a reading or something. I am going to ask my mum to walk me down the isle, but even if that wasn't an option I have a brother and an uncle that I would ask also.
Neither parents are paying anything and if they offered I would probably say no. My mum and family have to travel a long way so there is no way I would ask them to contribute and I like the idea of funding it ourselves.
CommentAuthorNicolaG1
It was a bit in your face wasn't it. She could have let it with speaking to your OH and getting him to ask you really. Hope things get better from here on out xx
CommentAuthorWhovianbride
edited
I've never herd of this, 'traditionaly' the bridal party is made up of the brides family/friends which can include Ohs family if shes close friend, like in the old days when you got married to a boy from your town so quite likly grew up with his sisters etc and were friends. and depends on how many bms you want to have/can afford, I've got my cousin and my best friend and thinking about asking another friend of mine, but would never have Oh's sister, she drives me mad and is selfish.
and the idea of his dad giving you away reguarding tradition is ridiculous seeming as I has to be someone from your family as they are giving you away and normaly the vicar says "who gives this woman" and that person or maybe a few family stand 'traditionaly' males and say "we do" as 'traditionaly' they owned us woman and decided who we would be allowed to marry.]
But lots of "traditions" are null and void now, 'traditionaly' the bms would wear very similar to bride to confuse evil spirts, and arranged marriages. Do what you want to do , not what tradition or fake tradition dictates
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CommentAuthorLauraF89
Wow, how uncomfortable! Firstly, i really hate this whole "traditional" thing, traditions are different across every family but a traditional wedding is very old fashioned, if you go by tradition it is said that the brides family pay for the wedding and the best man sorts out the church fees (Does that happen?!)...how often to people say "we're having a traditional wedding" when they don't even know what one is!!
Secondly, you can have whoever the flip you like as bridesmaid and no one should tell you otherwise, my OH's Brother's girlfriend hasn't been asked to be one and i really hope that she doesn't think because she's technically family that she would get asked. I know that my OH's mum was upset that the OH wasn't asking any of his brothers to be best man or Ushers and she keeps telling him to "think about it"...it's not happening.
You have to pick your ladies yourself, whoever is by your side on that day should be people that you love and want there, are you going to be asking you FSIL to hold your dress when you pee? Do you want her to see you getting dressed? I personally think that when it comes to OH's brothers/sister etc that they shouldn't automatically think they are part of the bridal party, some people go by what "tradition" says but it is deffo not the done thing in this country, maybe for some but deffo not all!
Go with your heart, be brave and tell your FMIL how you feel and explain to her (if you decide not to have OH's Sister) that as much as you like FSIL that it wouldn't be right for you to have her as you only want your closest friends by your side, and i'm sorry to say but i wouldn't choose my OH's best man or Ushers for him or even suggest who he should have as it is his decision so why should he be upset if you don't choose his sister, wouldn't that be a bit like choosing who your bridesmaids should be?
As for walking down the ailse, like the other ladies have said about other family members or maybe even your sister/mum? (Again, your choice, someone is giving you away to be part of another family, it would be more like being taken into another family with OH's Dad walking you down the ailse?!) I dunno...
Keep us updated xxx
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CommentAuthorBethanyS
I have never heard of this either! Don't let her pressure you in to making your H2B sister a bridesmaid. I haven't made my H2B sister a bridesmaid and he didn't particularly care! Its like putting the shoe on the other foot and say (if you have a brother, I don't know) and your mum told your H2B that your brother had to be his best man. If it not his choice then he isn't going to make him and its the same for you. x
CommentAuthorMrsManiatt
Stick to your guns. If you dont want her as a bridesmaid, dont have her. At least she doesnt seem to be the one causing trouble, I get it if she was a bit put out but its not her thats created the fuss, its your MIL2b! Don't feel pressured, im sure your SIL will understand, and your MIL will have to get used to you and your hubby making the decisions! xxx
CommentAuthorWhovianbride
I agree with with MrsManiatt2b seems like MIL2b is making the trouble with your SIL2b has not said a word, maybe go talk to her and say that "your mother says your upset that I have not asked you to be a bridesmaid, the thing is Im having my sister and my best friends and I only want two, I hope your not disappointed" then you MIL cannot say anything else. Maybe you can talk to your OH and maybe see about her doing a reading or signing the registra if she really wants to be part of the day? It may all just be that you MIL wants her to be but she not really bothered. This has happened before with OH's sister making a fuss about that something we had done but when we spoke to his mum and dad it was not the case and she was just causing drama to get what she wanted.
Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
together, May 2010 Moved in,Jan 2011 got pregnant,
August 2011 Got our own place, 2011 Had our Baby Girl,
Dec 2011 Got engaged, July 2015 Getting married! Yay!
CommentAuthorMrsThomson2B
What a witch you MIL sounds like. I have 2 sisters in the UK and 1 in Australia. MY BM;s were originally my middle sister and my FSIL and I was having my youngest sister's little girl as my flowergirl. I wasn't having my youngest sister due to funds (she even offered to pay for her drfess, shoes, flowers etc). However I felt guilty and asked her to be a bridesmaid. I have in turn reduced the amount I am prepared to spend on each girl. Your BM's are YOUR choice and how you decide is up to you. I asked my FSIL because she is my OH's only sister and so won't have a sister of her own to ask her to be a bridesmaid and she was thrilled when I asked her but I wouldn't say that we are particularly close. Do what feels right for you and nobody else xx
CommentAuthorMarrying.Ryan
You have as a bridesmaid who you want to have as a bridesmaid! Don't let her pressure you into having her as a BM. I though the fact that SIL sulked because you werent including her in the wedding plans was bad enough. Erm... hang on a minute. Who is getting married? Do you think she will involve you in her wedding plans, when she gets married?
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
I first became aware of the idea of the groom's sister being a bridesmaid when I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my twin brother's wedding. I think it's generally considered a good tactical move, and it's a nice symbolism of the families coming together. I am also bridesmaid at my younger brother's wedding, and H2B's sister will be a bridesmaid at mine. However not everyone does that. At H2B's cousin's wedding the groom's sister was a female usher, so she was still involved, but more on the groom's side.
It's certainly not unusual, but you shouldn't be pressured into it. I was stunned to be asked by my SIL, and absolutely over the moon, as I'd always wanted to be a bridesmaid, but I have no sisters, I'm not close to my cousins, and because of Dad's job I've moved around a bit so don't have any lifelong close friends, so I thought I would never be a bridesmaid. I was very aware however that there were a couple of girls who had known Jo longer who weren't asked. Having said that I'm not sure how close they were. When younger brother got engaged I anticipated that I might be asked to be bridesmaid, but certainly didn't expect it and wouldn't have been disappointed. The only time i remember being disappointed was when my Aunt had no bridesmaids; with no children and only one niece I thought I had a good chance.
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CommentAuthorDonnaH39
I don't think anyone should expect to be anything in your day, it annoys me when people do.
We've sort of been pushed into having two ushers, as FMIL wanted fiancés brothers in the same suits, she was talking to them about trying to buy similar ones, which we thought would look a bit naff to be honest, so we said if they paid for hire costs then they could have the suits... but if they're wearing the suits they can do a job as well ;)
It wasn't too much of an issue for us anyway as if we were having a bigger wedding and could have afforded the suits we would have asked them to be ushers anyway.
I think its different with bridesmaids though, I'm glad he doesn't have any sisters as I wonder if she would have expected that :/ Don't feel pressured into having anyone as a bridesmaid you wouldn't want. I can see how you might feel now that if you do ask her then your MIL will think she has got her own way, but just try and relax and see how you feel about it after taking a breath, if you wouldn't want her don't ask her, if you actually think maybe you would then don't worry about what MIL thinks just make sure you put your foot down with anything else.
It's what we did with the usher situation
CommentAuthorclairenina
Your wedding planning from start to finish is YOUR business. Your MIL should not be interfering. Stick to your guns and don't be intimidated by her. Sounds like she's used to controlling people. My FIL asked my fiance who I was having as bridesmaids, and he said he didn't know. I said if people want to know they should ask me to my face.
CommentAuthorKatieC5
It is your wedding, one thing I have learned (the hard way) during my planning, is that it is YOUR special day and even if people are contributing financially they still don't really get to bully you into having anything you don't want or talk you out of anything you do. Your future MIL has a daughter and so she can interfere in HER wedding some day lol but she has been very rude doing this to you. As for future SIL she can foff! I may sound harsh but honestly I couldn't care less about whether she would like to be bridesmaid/whether she has sisters of her own/whether it would make the family happy if you don't feel close enough to her to pick her as a maid then do not do it, it will just end up causing problems down the line. My future SIL (his only sibling too) is a sneaky, manipulative attention wh**e who pretends to like me but my OH and I know she hates me for no real reason. So even it WAS a strong tradition I still wouldn't have thought twice about not asking her! xxxx
CommentAuthorMel D
There is no tradition about having the groom's sisters as bridesmaids (I would have had to have had 4 extras if that was the case). Everyone I know who has got married has had the brides family and close friends as bridemaids, and none from the groom's family.
Your FMIL really shouldn't be interfering so much. In all honesty, the MOG doesn't usually get much involvement in the planning.
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CommentAuthorCh4lky
Trust me on this one, don't ask anyone that you're not 100% sure on. I asked h2bs niece out of politeness and now I really really wish I hadn't!!
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CommentAuthorCatherineR
edited
There are no set rules, do what you and your fiance want not what the interfering MIL wants. Sounds like it's her wedding rather than yours! Stick to your guns and tell her that if she's so worried about the sister, then suggest that she dress up as an usher if she's so determined to involve her! Can the sister actually speak for herself??? xx
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CommentAuthor*The NewMrsMalin*
Just so you guys know; this is an old thread from 26th Jan 2014 so as it has been over a month; it may or not be relevant anymore :S
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CommentAuthorCatherineR
Oops, I thought it was a recent post.. Why's it been bumped and being commented on??
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
