So.... with 2 weeks to go our Bestman has decided to drop out grrrr.. his excuse is he CANT COPE haha what BM cant cope, he cant cope what about us. He then cheekily asked could he still come as a guest. After much thought we have said NO, sounds awful and is awful but we felt it best, not to mention our families are ready for killing him and we dont want any negativity on the day. we cant quite believe it and are still in shock. Dont think he knows what hes done to be honest. H2B has decided now not to have one. We are going to use our 11yr old Godson Usher to hand him the rings. Sorry rant over xxxx
CommentAuthorTeganandRob
Oh no! What in particular couldn't he cope with. Has he been a friend for a long time? My only worry would be that by not having him there as a guest you might lose that friendship. At least your godson can step up and help out.
CommentAuthorHayley080912
Oh i know TeganandRob its awful. He has known H2B since childhood, thats what makes it worse. He is slightly a soppy person and cries all the time (he is 44yrs old mind you) he said he cant handle the day, supporting h2b, speeches, he could not organise a stag do for him all pathetic really. We do love him though and yes your right we want him there but like we have said we think it best not for no bad feeling, as at the moment my h2b is so mad.
CommentAuthorTeganandRob
It's a hard one. I can understand that the pressure might be too much for some people but it's his best friend, suck it up! Maybe once you H2B has calmed down a bit they can have a good ole chat about it all and hopefully salvage the friendship.
CommentAuthorShazk
Oh this is awful, being part of a wedding party can be stressful (my BIL was a nervous reck when he was BM) but its something you do isnt it, what about the stress u and H2B are going through?
Like toher shave said i would be concerned at not allowing him to attend at all may effect the friendship and needs to be thought about very carefully like TeganandRob says maybe when all calmed down etc maybe worth a chat?
Good luck to ur godson bet he well proud to be doing it xx
omg as if hes left it until 2 weeks before! my 'best friend' from college dropped out of being my cheif bridesmaid but she did it well before anything had been planned or any dresses had been baught...shes not spoke to me since, dont even no why we were best friends for ages really sad that we have lost our friendship just because she doesnt want to be a bridesmaid anymore. i sent her an invite to the wedding but she didnt reply and when i asked if she was comming or not she told me her fella had booked a weekend away so they wouldnt be comming :( it might be a shock but if youve been friends for so long dont loose the friend ship over it, atleast he still wants to go to the wedding, maybe its the speech hes worried about? x
CommentAuthorLaura JaneW
Omg! That's terrible! And as for not inviting him, I'd have done the same! I'd be so angry at him, it wouldn't b worth his time going! My h2b has two best men luckily and neither of them will pull out for sure. Probably for fear of him having a go haha.
CommentAuthorKarenB9
do you know what bit he cant cope with if its just the speech's or the whole thing ?
CommentAuthorShirleygirly
I thought this title said BATman let us down so I was intrigued. I can see why you are all upset, it is incredibly short notice to pull out because he can't cope!!! He's clearly put too much emphasis on his role for the day even though he failed with the stag do. I do wonder though if you will both regret him not being there on the day. Once your married all the stress of the build up apparently fades and if he's been such a big part of your h2bs life his presence might be missed. It's up to you though and like I said I completely understand you feeling so annoyed and let down.
I can't wait until 29/06/2013
The day I marry the man of my dreams!
CommentAuthorTori
Is it worth talking to him. If h2b isn't planning on replacing him maybe you could all consider having him as a bestman but without having to do a speech? You clearly both care for him so maybe it can all be sorted xx
CommentAuthorSam
edited
I agree with Tori, there may be a way to sort this with compromise. If he was important enough to select as best man perhaps more should be done to keep him.
CommentAuthornatalie2614
I don get how people can do this. Surely you know what being a best man entails when you agree to the job?
I can actually beat this though. My mum got married many years ago lol, and she had this horrible feeling that the best man was going t let them down. They had a word with another of her husbands mates and effectively put him on standby. Surely enough he let them down and the other guy had to stand in. He had to dash off though as he was a Liverpool season ticket holder and the match was a home game lol.
Married my best friend 05.04.2013
CommentAuthorVelcro
Id of sympathised with him, if he didnt leave it so late, though saying that, it's probably not been in the forefront of his mind until recently, and he's probably just thought... oh shit. Could you ask him to reconsider, if he doesn't ahve to give a speech, perhaps?
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthormym72
edited
It might be worth talking to him and finding out what the problem is. My brother in law was best man at our wedding - but he didn't want to give a speech, so we just had speeches from my husband and my dad. As for organising a stag do etc - he didn't do anything like that either, but luckily husband didn't want one lol.
You could explain to him that all he has to do is be there for your h2b on the day, help him get ready, travel to the venue with him etc, as well as looking after the rings. As for the reception, well if he doesn't do a speech then he won't have much of a part to play after the ceremony so there's not that much stress involved. Maybe when it's put to him like this then he might change his mind - it's probably worth a try (even to save the friendship).
CommentAuthorPB
I think the problem here is that he hasn't spoken out sooner.Not everyone is cut out to be a best man and he is obviously one of these people.My Dad has been asked to be best man on several occasions by his best friends and on each occasion he has said no because he hates to be the focus of attention and the idea of standing up and doing a speech fills him with dread (he is not doing a speech at my wedding as i know how it would make him feel) I think he really wants to be best man for his best mate but its too much for him-he should of said so initially and turned your h2b down but perhaps he got carried away in the excitement or didn't think it through and sometimes its difficult to say no especially when it is a great honour to be asked. I know its a bit late and i know you are mad but better he says so now than just doesn't turn up as he's sick with nerves.As others have suggested let him stay as best man but relieve him of his responsibilities-let him be best man in name only.I would imagine that its the public speaking that is really worrying him and how he will cope with that so tell him he doesn't have to speak or make a speech-all he needs to do is stand by his best mates side. My h2b has 2 best men and he told them (and the rest of the wedding party for that matter) that no-one needs to do anything that they're not comfortable with especially speeches.One best man is happy to speak but the other doesn't want to which is fine-we would have been just as happy if neither wanted to speak,we just want them to be there,we don't want them to be so worried that they don't enjoy themselves.Our daughter is reading a poem in church but again we have told her that if at any point she feels she doesn't want to do it(including on the day) then that is fine.In fact if anyone can't speak or read on the day thats fine too. I hope you get this sorted out and that h2b and best mans friendship can be saved xxx
CommentAuthorPrincess2be
I agree with poulton bride, some people are not cut out for it. Some people may have anxiety issues or something where they just can't cope with the pressure. He should have made it clear sooner tho. Have a wee think about asking him as a guest, you dont want to make any rash decisions and end up regretting it. If he is genuinely sorry then why not? x
CommentAuthorHayley080912
Thanx for all your support and opinions, its always good to see what people on the outside think. We are sad about it indeed. H2B yesterday called him to even ask about being a Bestman and no speech required (he declined again) saying he is now ill and that all the stress has made him ill. Our blood boils more to be honest and now i am upset & mad that now my H2B thinks he is to blame. OMG... do we really need this. We decided last night best for everyone if we go ahead without him if thats how he feels. We think he will play the sorry for me card all day and detract from our day and we dont want him centre of attention. lol (sorry not laughing matter) but u know what i mean. My H2B also thinks he may have outgrown his friend, sounds odd but he loves him, however, he also thinks they have both moved on with their lives. He lives on his own , no kids, just his dog and his mother whom he sees twice day ;-)
thanx girls for all you advice though. we can not forgive and dont need the hassle now. xxxxxxxxx
CommentAuthorSam
:(
CommentAuthormadhen
Such a shame for you, and I suppose for him a bit too. Nothing you can do about it now, you have a very important part of your lives to focus on. Good luck with the last of the planning and I hope everything goes well on the day, despite last-minute dramas! :)
CommentAuthorCrawf
How awful - I am not being funny, but what exactly does he have to be stressed about? He should be HONOURED to be involved and getting excited for H2B and you. Yes, a speech can be very nervewracking and some people are petrified by the thought of doing a speech in front of people but all he should have done is explained that the speech was too much for him and someone else could have stepped in and done it for him or you could have just not had a best man speech.
Sorry if I sound harsh, I just feel so sorry for you being let down for what I think is a silly reason! (sorry...)
I think you have done the right thing though and you don't want him to detract from the day or get there and change his mind and make you feel guilty about it all. He might feel uncomfortable sitting there with someone else carrying out all of his duties anyway.
xxx
CommentAuthormym72
Reading between the lines, and it is just an opinion, but him saying that he's ill with the stress now seems to point to something more than just the wedding. By the sounds of it, it could be that there's something else going on in his life which has triggered this - and maybe he realises that he can't talk to his friend about it given that the wedding is so close.
Maybe your h2b would be better talking to him after the wedding - after all, even a wedding is not an excuse to lose friends for.
CommentAuthorFutureMrsPite
This is a hard one, because they have been friends for so long, but also because he agreed to do it and has changed his mind so close to the actual day. Him asking to still be a guest tells me that he does care and would like to be there for u both, but maybe just getting dressed up and being in the limelight so to speak is too much for him, which in fairness he should have thought about, but we all change our minds or make decisions at some point which we regret. I am a little worried for him to be honest, as it sounds like he might have issues with anxiety or the like and it may be a deeper issue than he wishes to speak about. My sister is suffering at the moment with a few mental issues and im lucky that she has been very open with me about it all and honest, so i know what i can and cant expect from her and how she will be feeling on the day, so that really helps. Maybe have a good chat with him and hopefully u come to an arrangement that makes u all happy, again i would hate to think a wedding would ruin a lifelong friendship x
